Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

True.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

🤣

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!