Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.