Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on