Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.