Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Damn he played himself
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Dammit Chief not again
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.