Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

How dramatic are you?

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.