Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.