*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.