Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!