Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Here to help

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.