*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
This is Sparta
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.