*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Them: You should try keto
Me: