Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..