Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
No. He’s not coming out to play
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I only treason on days ending in y
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.