Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans: