Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind