STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Oh hi lol
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.