STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
sistine chapel
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars