STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Mountain Goat : )
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead