Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.