Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
perfect
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back