Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying