Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
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*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.