Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Gemma Correll

become ungovernable

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what