Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
🏙👨🏼
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.