Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

#catsoftwitter

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

kids play hide and seek like

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess