Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*