Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…