Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.