Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

Thoughts

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.