Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Friends that check up on you >
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
new dr. seuss book dropping:
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
What number SPF blocks people?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant