Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party