Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*