“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me


I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.


I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.


Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”


[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages


“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”


Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.


PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?


PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS