[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.