Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
life finds a way
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
When he asks for feet pics
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.