Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

I think this might be relevant today.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.