Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
i want to work in this restaurant
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.