Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
A choir of Spring onions
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]