Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son