Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

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