6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.