It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Stick: *drowning in ocean
Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..
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Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
good for her
My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.
She learned to fight in prison.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)