@ThaJawn

Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..

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@WilliamRodgers

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

@ImaFlyontheWall

Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear

@daddydoubts

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

@coolauntV

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.

@MavenofHonor

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)