[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
You Might Also Like
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
is this how new cars are made??
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.