[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.