Stick it to the man
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*lint rolls you awake*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?