Stick it to the man
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You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Happy Star Wars day!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*