Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
You Might Also Like
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I’m tired tomorrow.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
lmfao
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!