Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
saw this in a dream
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
At ease
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo