Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Velcrow
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
spicy snake
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.