Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
You Might Also Like
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog