Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.