Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?