Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.