Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

#polloftheday

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.