Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.