Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return