Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?