Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga