Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.