Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge