Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.