Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.