Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
so weird how every mom was born today
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.