Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*