Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
God, I love Scotland
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.