Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv