Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?