Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Joker was right

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up