Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
These aren’t even hard anymore.