Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January