Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
sailors wish they could swear like me
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.